Howard: Welcome, Bert. Don't you look nice.
Bert: Yeah. Like a geode, I clean up good.
Howard: Don't you crack a geode open?
Bert: It's not a perfect metaphor.

Amy: Okay, so it's quartz. That's got to mean something. What do we know about quartz?
Sheldon: I'll Google it.
Bert: Or you can ask me, the geologist who won the MacArthur Genius Grant.
Sheldon: Got it!

Amy: So, do you know what it is?
Bert: Of course I know what it is. It's a silicon dioxide crystal, otherwise known as quartz.
Sheldon: Are you sure?
Bert: Am I sure? Is basalt a mafic extrusive igneous rock formed by the rapid cooling of magnesium and iron-rich lava? Yeah, I'm sure.

Bert: Alone in my temple in the middle of Peru, A giant stone ball with nothing much to do, But if you steal my idol, I will roll right over you, 'Cause I'm six tons of granite and micaceous schist, Yeah, I'm six tons of granite and,
Both: Micaceous schist, Yeah, I'm six tons of granite and, micaceous schist, Yeah, I'm six tons of granite And, uh, micaceous schist Yeah, I'm six-

Bert: It's okay. I know I'm a monster.
Amy: No, Bert, come on. I'd love to go to the mineral show with you.
Bert: Sweet. It's a date. (Leaves Amy's office)
Amy: No, it's not.
Bert: Too late!

Bert: Well, I really envy your relationship. Other than you two only having sex once a year, you're the perfect couple.

Bert: You really think walking her is gonna help me meet girls?
Raj: Cinnamon is chick bait.
Bert: Good. 'Cause I'm not.

Raj: Really? You're jealous of us?
Leonard: Yeah. I even had this crazy dream last night where I ate you both.
Raj: Seriously?
Leonard: Uh. I know. I was pretty out of it.
Bert: Who'd you eat first?
Leonard: Oh. Uh, you.
Bert: [chuckles] Nice.

Leonard: You guys got a second?
Raj: Leonard, I told you, buddy. We don't need to use your laser.
Bert: Yeah, all we need is Terry Brad-saw. That's what I named my saw.

Bert: Really? An arranged marriage?
Raj: Yeah. I know how it sounds.
Bert: It sounds awesome. Is that just an Indian thing, or can I get a piece of that?
Anu: You know the woman has a choice, right?
Bert: There's always a catch.

Bert: All right, I'll tell you. I'm Maurice "Doc" Ewing, winner of the 1960 Vetlesen Prize, generally regarded as the Nobel Prize of geology.
Bernadette: Oh, yeah. Now I see it.
Bert: Ask me how I died. Spoiler alert: brain hemorrhage.

Raj: Excuse me, I’m meeting a girl here. It’s kind of our first date.
Bert: In a library?
Raj: She and I are both a little awkward in social situations, so this seemed like a good idea.
Bert: People say I’m a little awkward, too.

Bert: (To Lucy, after speaking to Raj) You can do better!

Bert: So, anyway, there's this big, uh, rock and mineral show next week in Santa Monica.
Amy: Listen, um, Bert, before you say anything else, I- I have a boyfriend.
Bert: Oh. This is awkward. You thought I was gonna ask you to go with me to the mineral show.
Amy: Weren't you?
Bert: Yeah.

Amy: That's very nice of you, but I do have a boyfriend.
Bert: That's what you all say. You just don't want to go out with me because I have an off-putting personality.
Amy: No, that's not true. My boyfriend has an off-putting personality, too. Like, way worse than you.
Bert: Don't worry. I'm used to it. I mean, I'm big and weird and funny-looking and no one ever wants to do anything with me.